Text Posts from the Kids Group: 2022

By admin
Another round (previously:

(Some of these were from me; some were from

Julia
ORG

. Ones saying "me" could mean either of us.)

Me:

Anna
PERSON

, if you don’t come soon, I’m going to start brushing your teeth without you

Anna
PERSON

: how can you brush my teeth without me there? Me: [turns on toothbrush]

Anna
PERSON

: [frantic] I’m coming! I’m coming!


Anna
PERSON

: [sitting calmly, concerned] I think… I might have just broken my rib.

Jeff
PERSON

: oh?

Anna
PERSON

: do I have ribs in my hands?

Nickname update: The kids have moved from

Nora
PERSON

to

Norfla
PERSON

to

Norfluffy
ORG

to

Fluffy to Fluffy Muffin
ORG

and occasionally my favorite,

Fluffy Puffin
ORG

.

Me: why are you packing your snack in that thermos? Lily: well, the other

two
CARDINAL

thermoses don’t hold water in Me: but you’re packing potato chips!

I don’t know what’s happening outside, I can just hear

Lily
PERSON

yelling "Never do this,

Erika
PERSON

. Watch!"


Anna
PERSON

was telling me about a book where children clean up trash at the beach. "I wouldn’t be

one
CARDINAL

of those people who throws my trash into the sea… but it would be very fun and convenient if you went to the beach

every day
DATE

." I wasn’t sure at

first
ORDINAL

if she meant that the sea would be a fun and convenient place to throw your trash, but yes, that’s what she meant.


Anna
PERSON

: … Maybe it was a squirrel. Lily: Every time you say it was a squirrel, it was really you.

Somebody asked me how representative these posts are of real life. Not representative! This is a bubble of things we think are funny or interesting or cute, and there’s a lot of life that is none of those things. And we don’t include stuff that we think the kids will find embarrassing later. Among the many things not pictured: whining

jabbing one’s sister in the face with a marker

bad decisions about things to put in the toilet

Anna: Papa, why don’t you ever let me use a chainsaw?


Lily
PERSON

: My friends and I started a book club!

Anna
PERSON

: Book…club. That’s the horriblest thing I ever heard of. (Later Anna indicated this is because she can’t read.)


Lily
PERSON

: Have you seen the toy that I made for

Nora
PERSON

? Me: Can you remind me what it looks like?

Lily
PERSON

: It’s a clownfish that doesn’t look anything like a clownfish.


Anna
PERSON

: I’m a goose! We’re both gooses! Lily: Mongooses.

Anna
PERSON

: Oh, right.


Anna
PERSON

:

Nora
PERSON

‘s head is like a small small oval with a small small bump at the bottom, and

two
CARDINAL

bumps on the sides, and eyes which ovals don’t usually have, and a mouth which ovals don’t usually have.


Anna
PERSON

: "I’m so excited to be going to

England
GPE

. We’re going to see

Rose
PERSON

again, and also in

England
GPE

there’s a great big enormous field, and if you go all the way to the back of the field there is a playground!" (The "great big enormous field" is

South Park
LOC

. I’m a bit surprised she remembers it, since she went there

a few months
DATE

after she turned

three
CARDINAL

(she just turned

six
CARDINAL

). I don’t think they’re being a playground on the other side of the field is something she would be "remembering" from photographs?)


Lily
PERSON

: "I wish there were no bad things in the world, and only good things. Or I wish I could get rid of

half
CARDINAL

the pollution in the world. But mostly I wish the other one."


Anna
PERSON

: Papa, I have a problem: [explains problem in detail] Me: Is it a problem you can fix?

Anna
PERSON

: Yes! [

Fixes
PERSON

problem]


Anna
PERSON

‘s attempts to nerdsnipe me usually happen at bedtime, but she got me good

this afternoon
TIME

with a series of questions as I was about to leave the kitchen to work: "How do humans even eat?" "Why do we chew our food instead of swallowing it whole like snakes?" "Why do owls throw up bones and stuff?" "Why do we have

two
CARDINAL

words for everything?" (in this case "vomit" and "throw up") By the time I was explaining the origins of

English
LANGUAGE

in

Germanic
NORP

and

Romance
PERSON

languages, I knew she’d got me but I couldn’t stop.


Anna
PERSON

:

60 plus 60
CARDINAL

makes a

hundred
CARDINAL

Me: not anymore


Anna
PERSON

: you know how sometimes you have

a weekend
DATE

that is so wonderful you remember it forever? Me: what was your favorite part?

Anna
PERSON

: playing with my new friend,

Cimorene

Anna
PERSON

: I’ve been alive for

seven years
DATE


Lily
PERSON

: you will have been alive for

seven years
DATE

when you turn

seven
CARDINAL

, but you’re

six
CARDINAL

right now

Anna
PERSON

:

Nora
PERSON

‘s been alive for

two years
DATE

Me: do you mean you’ve been alive during

seven different calendar years
DATE

, and

Nora
PERSON

during

two
CARDINAL

?

Anna
PERSON

: yes!


Anna
PERSON

: Snixteen plus snixteen is

flixteen
GPE

! … That isn’t really true, but it’s just a joke.

Heading home from the airport.

Anna
PERSON

is cuddling

Nora
PERSON

in the back seat of the

Uber
PRODUCT

. Lily:

Anna
PERSON

, how about you don’t touch

Nora
PERSON

‘s face with dirty hands.

Anna
PERSON

: They’re not dirty. Lily: Well, they’ve been through a whole airport.

Anna
PERSON

: They’re not hands. They’re

Fluffkin
PERSON

cuddler robots.


Anna
PERSON

[handing

Julia
PERSON

a permanent marker]: Here, you left this outside.

Jeff
PERSON

: She used it to write on the wall, which we have talked about.

Anna
PERSON

[guilty face, then excited face]: Also, I know how to write "

Anna Wise
WORK_OF_ART

"!


Anna
PERSON

: Papa, are onions fruit or dairy? Me: onions are vegetables

Lily: Papa,

Anna
PERSON

‘s using all the blankets and I’m cold! Me: if I go looking for blankets, am I going to find any

Anna
PERSON

isn’t using? Lily: No, you won’t… Actually never mind!


Anna
PERSON

: Can you read to me? Me: Yes, in

a minute
TIME

.

Anna
PERSON

: Your sort of minute is

one hundred and two hours
QUANTITY

.

Me: (explains the lyric "For

bonnie Annie Laurie
PERSON

I’d lay me doon an’ dee") Lily: Wait, that doesn’t make sense. If they lay down and die, they can’t even be with her. Me: You’re right, it doesn’t make a lot of sense. I think they mean they’d be willing to die to protect her or something. Lily: Well, I still don’t think it’s a very good idea. I’d try to find a way to protect both of us.

We read a passage in a book where a character says it’s hard to "resign herself to the Lord’s will" after something bad happens. I talked about how I don’t believe good and bad things happen because God wants them to, I think they just happen for no good reason a lot of the time.

Anna
PERSON

: Yeah, like God didn’t make me do this. [Gets up and deliberately falls flat on her face] …I actually hurt my chin.


Anna
PERSON

: here are some samples of

Lily
PERSON

‘s hair,

Babbitz
ORG

!

Anna
PERSON

:

Nora
PERSON

! Stop collecting hair samples!


Lily
PERSON

:

Anna
PERSON

, are you holding the shoe for ransom?

Anna
PERSON

: who’s

Ransom
PERSON

?


Jeff
PERSON

, to

Lily
PERSON

at bedtime: Let’s do the Spider Hands relaxation exercise

Allison
PERSON

taught you.

Julia
PERSON

, later:

Jeff
PERSON

, you know it’s called "

Starfish Hands
WORK_OF_ART

"?


Anna
PERSON

: can I have that bucket? Lily: would you trade?

Anna
PERSON

: yes!

Lily
PERSON

: still no.


Tonight Lily
WORK_OF_ART

had a bunch of questions about eminent domain and what we would do if the government wanted to build something where our house is, causing

Anna
PERSON

to cry about the hypothetical destruction of the park near our house.


Anna
PERSON

: I want to try the shoes on

every day
DATE

so I know exactly when they start to fit

In a new low for children’s programming,

Lily
PERSON

is now listening to a podcast called

"The Sound Grater Endurance Challenge
WORK_OF_ART

" whose only purpose is to play annoying noises like alarm clocks.


Anna
PERSON

: welcome to my restaurant! We have donuts, and we have jelly. Me: can I have a jelly donut?

Anna
PERSON

: at this restaurant we do *not* combine foods!


Lily
PERSON

, at dinner: So… Does anyone have plans for

Halloween
DATE

?


Lily
PERSON

, fundraising: We have doggy biscuits! How about you and your dog split it?


Lily
PERSON

: [singing] soon I won’t have to wear a mask around her / her covid chances get slimmer and slimmer


Anna
PERSON

: I’m not going to eat the apple pie! I’m only going to eat the apple peel strings


Anna
PERSON

: now I have discovered that pickle, peanut butter, and whipped cream sandwiches do not go well together


Lily
PERSON

: When

our morning
TIME

writing topic was about our favorite thing to do at home, I said fighting with my sister. Me: Is that your favorite thing to do?

Lily
PERSON

: Well, I spend a lot of time doing it. (So revealed preference, I guess)


Julia
PERSON

walks in with ice cream

Anna
PERSON

requested.

Nora
PERSON

says "thank you" and tries to intercept.


Anna
PERSON

: What’s a

winter
DATE

clothing drive?

Jeff
PERSON

: Well,

Julia
PERSON

: Papa’s about to say something troll-y


Lily
PERSON

wanted me to ask: if you had a

hundred
CARDINAL

random people, and

50
CARDINAL

of them went swimming in a tank with a large number of hungry sharks, and

50
CARDINAL

of them went into a cage with a large number of hungry wolves, which group would do worse?


Nora
PERSON

: Mama!

Rick
PERSON

(my dad): [to me] Does she have a word for you?

Jeff
PERSON

: Who am I?

Nora
PERSON

:

Adyadat Rick
PERSON

: "

Idiot" Nora
WORK_OF_ART

: [laughs and leaves the room]

[silence] Anna: Jynx, Lily! Lily: [nonverbally] !?

Anna
PERSON

: We were both saying the same thing: nothing!

Jeff
PERSON

: Lily, Lily, Lily. But I don’t think silent jinx is a thing


Lily
PERSON

: Will humans go extinct in my lifetime? Me: Definitely not Lily: Why? Me: If you’re alive, humans aren’t extinct yet

Lily
PERSON

: That doesn’t make me feel better

We usually post the good parts of life with kids, but just wanted to give a picture of the other side so people not planning to have children can feel good about their life choices. This would have been

a good week
DATE

to focus on work, but that was not in the cards. Our nanny is on vacation. The substitute nanny was out sick most of

last week
DATE

, so

Jeff
PERSON

and I worked part-time covering each other for meetings. Now the nanny is better but

2
CARDINAL

of the kids are sick, so there will be no childcare again on

Monday
DATE

. The baby wants to be glued to me and refuses all food but ice cream.

One
CARDINAL

of the older children (a veil drawn over their exact identity) speaks to me mostly in demands and complaints. I am ok, and reinforcements are arriving

tomorrow
DATE

when

Jeff
PERSON

gets home. (And he covered for me

the previous week
DATE

when I was traveling for work.) I got some work done, often with a baby attached to me like a barnacle. There was more screen time and ice cream than usual. Phew.

I sure know more about the monarchal heredity policies of

Arandelle
PERSON

,

Corona
GPE

,

Enchanchia
GPE

, and other

Disney
ORG

kingdoms than I ever expected to.

Tonight
TIME


Anna
PERSON

was very disturbed to learn that most royal siblings never get a turn at being the king or queen. She says this is very unfair. p.s. if your policy is that the monarch’s spouse can inherit the throne, you will get bad people marrying your monarch and then trying to murder them. Very predictable,

Arandelle
PERSON

. This is also more or less what

Catherine
PERSON

the Great did to her husband.

Sentences you don’t want to hear from a child sitting on a sofa: "My pee is woodleing." Me: "… What do you mean, your pee is woodleing?" "I can feel it woodleing around inside me."


Anna
PERSON

: it’s not the power button! It’s the turn off and turn on button!


Lily
PERSON

: "

Anna
PERSON

, did you know that butterflies grow from caterpillars?"

Anna
PERSON

(furious at being patronized): "Lily! I know EVERYTHING!"


Lily
PERSON

: I did kind of follow the recipe, I just didn’t read it

"

Nora
PERSON

, can you go give

Lily
PERSON

a hug?" [

Nora
PERSON

goes and hugs

Lily
PERSON

] "

Nora
PERSON

, can you give me a hug? Give Papa a hug?" [

Nora
PERSON

runs out of the room] Not sure if it was that she didn’t want to give me a hug, or if she misunderstood and was off looking for

Julia

Lily
PERSON

: next time I’m going out in the snow please require me to wear shoes

We were singing the chorus to a

Christmas
DATE

carol: "

Gloria
PERSON

in excelsis deo."

Anna
PERSON

: "This isn’t a

Christmas
DATE

song! It’s a Chanukah song!" Turns out she figures any

non-English
NORP

language must be

Hebrew
LANGUAGE

.

"Papa, this is the best flourless chocolate goop I’ve ever had!"

"

Anna
PERSON

blew out the candle!" "I was just breathing!"

"

Sorry Dad
WORK_OF_ART

, are you okay? I meant to kick Anna!"


Anna
PERSON

: when will the airplane doff?